Friday, September 3, 2010

Sleepless Night

I'm sorry to all who are going to read this. My mind is rolling like a roller coaster right now and I just need to write it all down. Tonight I heard some things that made me think about my life and now my mind is going from one thing to the next and I can barely keep up.
I'll start out by saying I am happy as can be. I really am. I love it here. Sometimes I think all of my posts are either really sad and depressing or churchy. So sorry all 5 of you who know about this. I'm not a sad person, i'm quite the opposite. I love life and all the adventures. For reals. But I just don't write about all that happy stuff and my many awesome adventures.. but I will start... next time :)...Don't you fret.
I've been thinking about my life but mostly, why am I here at EA? If you knew me in high school you would know that I loved it. I didn't want it to be over. At all. I was comfortable with my everyday routine. I chose to come here because it just made sense, everything kinda fit right into place, even if it was last minute. Once I graduated I was excited to start the new adventure but honestly I was so scared. I didn't know what to expect. When I got here and school started all that changed. Even on the first day I felt like I had been here forever. It was great. The first aftenoon I was like, "Shoot, what am I doing here?" But ever since then I have never felt out of place. It's like my cousin pointed out to me, "I like change after it's happened, but I don't like it when I know it's coming." How true that is.
I was just happy that I could leave Mesa and go somewhere where no one knew me so I could just be me. In Mesa I felt Like I was living in shadows. When I came here I wasn't one of the Gunderson's, I wasn't one of my siblings' siblings, I wasn't my parents' kids, people didn't know about my family or my life or things that I had done. I was just me. A new person. I could start over. That's what I needed. I needed to start over and define myself. People were only going to know me for who I was and what I did from that point on. It was like I had a clean slate and could start over with all of my past experiences in my mind to help me succeed.
I have learned so many things about myself, and came to terms with so many things about myself. I love having a good time and can be really immature. I am sometimes really loud, maybe even too loud at times; I can be really quiet too, it doesn't always mean something is wrong, I just don't have anything to say. I love crazy adventures and being around people. I love making new friends and getting to know them. I've had my share of awkward times. I like to feel accepted. I like accepting other people and making them feel comfortable. I'm not very good at it, but I love helping people. I love my social life. I like school, but still have no idea what I'm going to major in! HELP!
Throughout my whole life I have been an "Inbetweener." A made up word for becoming friends with a lot of different groups of people and then making them become really good friends with each other by forcing them to meet. I have been doing it my whole life. I'm not going to lie, I have struggled with it before. I have felt like it wasn't fair because I was their friend first, but then they became better friends with each other than with me, I felt a little left out. It has happened many a times. I've come to realize that that is not a bad thing at all. In fact, it's somehting that I pray for on a regular basis: to be in instrument in His hands, to build up His kingdom. As I look back at those friendships, I see that the people that are now friends needed to be friends, they have helped each other in ways that no one else could.
I have also learned how much I truly love my family. They are my favorite people in this world. No joke. But, sometimes I don't show it to them. Everyone here thinks that we are the tightest family because I talk about them all the time and always text them. I actually hear comments about that on a regular basis, "You are always texting someone from your family!", "Are your siblings your best friends?", Even this one, "I love my family and we're really close, probably not as close as Hannah's though." I love being with them and I love talking to them,they really are like my best friends. I'm not good at telling them how much I love them. At all. Communication has never been a great thing in my family, but that is no excuse. This is something I think I will be working on for the rest of my life.
I love the Pristhood, the scriptures, and the power of prayer. They have changed my life. I would totally be lost without them. My testimony has been strengthened times a bajillion.
I love my friends. Without them who knows where I would be. I love how they make it so easy for me to live the Gospel.
Okay there were a lot more things too, but like I said, my mind was wandering too darn fast. I've already forgotten some of the other things... oh well. I feel better now. I sometimes love nights like this because it makes me really ponder my life and see all the good and the blessings that come from living and learning the gospel and really find ways to improve myself.
K yep this is so random. Mad props to anyone who made it through this. Sorry to have bored you to death.. I just needed to let it all out on paper! :)


Tara said...

Hannah I love you, and I love that you love family! I talk about our family all the time and people don't understand why I'm so obsessed with it. Family never leaves you. It's so awesome. I love your blogs and I love you. Don't worry too much about what you're going to major in, honestly just do something you like. I love you Hannah!!! Can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving! Or you can come to Kyle's homecoming and I would love that too! MISS YA!

Jannae said...

HANNAH!! i love you so much. and I miss you, you are such an example to me! I totally agree with the whole starting over thing where nobody knows your past. That's why I'm going to NAU